8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hippo gnu deer
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
