I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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