Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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