Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
