Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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