as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
