I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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