life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
