if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize