she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
