my phone needs a breathalizer
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
