I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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