You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i out mim tonsoeep
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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