walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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