Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
