I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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