this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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