I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
