im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
