I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
