I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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