fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize