i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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