your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
