The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
