3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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