no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
