im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
