In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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