mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
