Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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