I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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