I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
