oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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