I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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