I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
