I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
