i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
