From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
