ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
His nipple licking is glorious
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