I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
