Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
