My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
