woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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