Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
