After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
