She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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