I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
