Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
