Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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