Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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