My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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