Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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