Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize