I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
