Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
