yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
