mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize