but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
