I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
