my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
