on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
